I must remember...

That this is here, it would really help me to get my feelings out, even if no one listens.....


Here we are still TTC, 2 years have passed and still feeling lonely and like no one really understands, another pregnancy annoucment that again broke my heart in two, although I am so happy this person is pregnant this annoucment actually hurt me more than the others, I couldn't even tell you why. Then they tell me they have been trying for a while and were ready to start fertility treatments and this made me feel better. Think maybe its because it wasn't just 1 of them things or they weren't trying or even still got pregnant straight away. Having time to come round to the idea has help and we had a nice chat on the phone last night, i am actually looking forward to the baby coming, and who know we might even have a baby of our own on the way by the time their baby comes. One can only hope.

We have another appointment at the hospital on October the 20th, we had to canal the last 1, as we couldn't get there. I have lost 25lbs so far and praying they see how I have done so far and that my BMI is low enough to get the clomaphine, even though deep down inside I'm not holding out much hope that its going to work, as i took it when trying for Daniel and it didn't.

Feel the need to share how heat broken I was last cycle when i thought we had actually managed to get pregnant, i had some pretty convincing evaps and totally broke down when AF finally showed up.

anyway enough of my ramblings, i will try to remember that this blog is here and update more often.

its been a long time...

with lots of emotions and feelings running round my head and heart...

so many time i have wanted to give up and be grateful we have Daniel and just be happy we got him, but then i think what if this is our month and never actually have the heart to say enough is enough.

hospital update

went to see the fertility Dr and was told i need to reduce my BMI before i will receive any treatments, so i carried on with WW and have lost 29.5lbs so far, which on the Internet my BMI is 34 but by the calculation the Dr gave me to figure it out it comes out at 36.4 which means i have to lose another 14lbs at least before i go to my appointment in 3 weeks. I'm so scared i wont do it and they will send me away again to loose some more weight.

Appointment update

Well we have been to the DRs today, they lady was really nice and said she understood how I felt as she was a mother herself, on a good note I have lost 19lbs since August.

She took down all my details, and said it sounds like I am having anovulatory cycles, which means I still have AF but dont ovulate.

I have an appointment with a gynocologist on March 8th, so things are moving in the right direction.

Although it was a great appointment, Paul did not want to be be referred, he wanted to carry on for a few more months as we are doing and see what happens after I have lost some more weight.

Will let you know how the appointment goes.

booked an appointment

so I finally bit the bullet and booked an appointment with my GP, I am on CD 54 today and I have no signs of the witch showing up :(

I am going to tell them I have been using the CBFM for a little while longer than I have and I still haven't got a peak reading, and before that I was charting and never got CH, I'm hoping that they see this isn't helping when we are TTC and agree to help us, but I am not holding out much hope as we have concieved Daniel on our own :(

Wish me luck

Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh

CD 53, what the hell is that all about, I just want AF to show her ugly face so I can get on with the next cycle, I don't think I am pregnant as I tested last week and BFN :(

I am getting frustrated now

"broken"

today is 46 and I have no signs of AF showing, I don't think I am pregnant as i tested today and BFN, I am so sick and tired not bring able to do what is meant to be the most natural thing, i feel "broken", I'm so mad at myself, that I can do something that everyone else can,

I have decided that if the CBFM doesn't give me a peak reading this cycle, I will be going to Dr's and demanding some answers and see what they can offer

All my hopes in 1 little white stick

So many hopes when I saw this the other night, but oh no, stupid evap, im thinking I have tested twice since and both have been BFN, I am so used to seeing them but this time I just want to cry, may write more later but at the minute I am hurting