That this is here, it would really help me to get my feelings out, even if no one listens.....
Here we are still TTC, 2 years have passed and still feeling lonely and like no one really understands, another pregnancy annoucment that again broke my heart in two, although I am so happy this person is pregnant this annoucment actually hurt me more than the others, I couldn't even tell you why. Then they tell me they have been trying for a while and were ready to start fertility treatments and this made me feel better. Think maybe its because it wasn't just 1 of them things or they weren't trying or even still got pregnant straight away. Having time to come round to the idea has help and we had a nice chat on the phone last night, i am actually looking forward to the baby coming, and who know we might even have a baby of our own on the way by the time their baby comes. One can only hope.
We have another appointment at the hospital on October the 20th, we had to canal the last 1, as we couldn't get there. I have lost 25lbs so far and praying they see how I have done so far and that my BMI is low enough to get the clomaphine, even though deep down inside I'm not holding out much hope that its going to work, as i took it when trying for Daniel and it didn't.
Feel the need to share how heat broken I was last cycle when i thought we had actually managed to get pregnant, i had some pretty convincing evaps and totally broke down when AF finally showed up.
anyway enough of my ramblings, i will try to remember that this blog is here and update more often.
Monday, 5 September 2011
Tuesday, 5 July 2011
its been a long time...
with lots of emotions and feelings running round my head and heart...
so many time i have wanted to give up and be grateful we have Daniel and just be happy we got him, but then i think what if this is our month and never actually have the heart to say enough is enough.
hospital update
went to see the fertility Dr and was told i need to reduce my BMI before i will receive any treatments, so i carried on with WW and have lost 29.5lbs so far, which on the Internet my BMI is 34 but by the calculation the Dr gave me to figure it out it comes out at 36.4 which means i have to lose another 14lbs at least before i go to my appointment in 3 weeks. I'm so scared i wont do it and they will send me away again to loose some more weight.
so many time i have wanted to give up and be grateful we have Daniel and just be happy we got him, but then i think what if this is our month and never actually have the heart to say enough is enough.
hospital update
went to see the fertility Dr and was told i need to reduce my BMI before i will receive any treatments, so i carried on with WW and have lost 29.5lbs so far, which on the Internet my BMI is 34 but by the calculation the Dr gave me to figure it out it comes out at 36.4 which means i have to lose another 14lbs at least before i go to my appointment in 3 weeks. I'm so scared i wont do it and they will send me away again to loose some more weight.
Monday, 14 February 2011
Appointment update
Well we have been to the DRs today, they lady was really nice and said she understood how I felt as she was a mother herself, on a good note I have lost 19lbs since August.
She took down all my details, and said it sounds like I am having anovulatory cycles, which means I still have AF but dont ovulate.
I have an appointment with a gynocologist on March 8th, so things are moving in the right direction.
Although it was a great appointment, Paul did not want to be be referred, he wanted to carry on for a few more months as we are doing and see what happens after I have lost some more weight.
Will let you know how the appointment goes.
She took down all my details, and said it sounds like I am having anovulatory cycles, which means I still have AF but dont ovulate.
I have an appointment with a gynocologist on March 8th, so things are moving in the right direction.
Although it was a great appointment, Paul did not want to be be referred, he wanted to carry on for a few more months as we are doing and see what happens after I have lost some more weight.
Will let you know how the appointment goes.
Tuesday, 8 February 2011
booked an appointment
so I finally bit the bullet and booked an appointment with my GP, I am on CD 54 today and I have no signs of the witch showing up :(
I am going to tell them I have been using the CBFM for a little while longer than I have and I still haven't got a peak reading, and before that I was charting and never got CH, I'm hoping that they see this isn't helping when we are TTC and agree to help us, but I am not holding out much hope as we have concieved Daniel on our own :(
Wish me luck
I am going to tell them I have been using the CBFM for a little while longer than I have and I still haven't got a peak reading, and before that I was charting and never got CH, I'm hoping that they see this isn't helping when we are TTC and agree to help us, but I am not holding out much hope as we have concieved Daniel on our own :(
Wish me luck
Sunday, 6 February 2011
Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh
CD 53, what the hell is that all about, I just want AF to show her ugly face so I can get on with the next cycle, I don't think I am pregnant as I tested last week and BFN :(
I am getting frustrated now
I am getting frustrated now
Monday, 31 January 2011
"broken"
today is 46 and I have no signs of AF showing, I don't think I am pregnant as i tested today and BFN, I am so sick and tired not bring able to do what is meant to be the most natural thing, i feel "broken", I'm so mad at myself, that I can do something that everyone else can,
I have decided that if the CBFM doesn't give me a peak reading this cycle, I will be going to Dr's and demanding some answers and see what they can offer
I have decided that if the CBFM doesn't give me a peak reading this cycle, I will be going to Dr's and demanding some answers and see what they can offer
Friday, 28 January 2011
All my hopes in 1 little white stick
So many hopes when I saw this the other night, but oh no, stupid evap, im thinking I have tested twice since and both have been BFN, I am so used to seeing them but this time I just want to cry, may write more later but at the minute I am hurting
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
TTC and losing weight/ Pauls perspective on TTC
So to date I have lost 19lb, 8this is set to get less as we have been having a new kitchen fitted and we haven't been able to cook anything so have not been eating the best we could.....
When we were TTC Daniel I lost 26lb and then conceived, so even if I put on 4lbs this week it only takes me to 10lbs to lose to get to that 26lb, although I'm not pinning my hopes on the same happening this time round as I have had enough disappointment this time round while TTC.
On to Paul's perspective of TTC, well he really isn't bothered whether we have another child, I sat this lightly, he does want another child but when we thought we would never have Daniel, he is grateful that we have him and another baby would be a blessing but we have Daniel. Although I see what hes saying it annoys me sometimes
When we were TTC Daniel I lost 26lb and then conceived, so even if I put on 4lbs this week it only takes me to 10lbs to lose to get to that 26lb, although I'm not pinning my hopes on the same happening this time round as I have had enough disappointment this time round while TTC.
On to Paul's perspective of TTC, well he really isn't bothered whether we have another child, I sat this lightly, he does want another child but when we thought we would never have Daniel, he is grateful that we have him and another baby would be a blessing but we have Daniel. Although I see what hes saying it annoys me sometimes
Monday, 24 January 2011
Grrrrrrrrrr
Long AFs do my head in, today is CD 39, normally my cycles are between 30 and 47 days, so I could have another 10 days before AF is due and get onto a fresh cycle :(
I had my last high reading on the CBFM on CD 25, so it obviously didn't pick up ovulation.
I have lost all hope in ever holding my own baby.
I just wanna go to bed and never wake up til this nightmare is over.
I had my last high reading on the CBFM on CD 25, so it obviously didn't pick up ovulation.
I have lost all hope in ever holding my own baby.
I just wanna go to bed and never wake up til this nightmare is over.
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
Life is so unfair
Stupid silly bitches that sleep around and get pregnant, just like that when there are so many of us that would do anything for another baby.
Just found out my friends sister who has just turned 18, already had a 11 month old son, is pregnant, girls like this make my blood boil
Why can they go out and sleep with anyb0dy and get pregnant at the drop of a hat and, I have been in a relationship for 12 years, married for 8 years and have been ttc for half of that time and we only have 1 child??
People reading this might think I am selfish for wanting another baby so badly, when we have Daniel, but if anything the want for another is worse this time round than it was when we were ttc Daniel, its a different type of wanting, I want another for Daniel more than anything, I don't want him to grow up as an only child, I want to be able to watch my children play together and witness a love no one else will understand
Just found out my friends sister who has just turned 18, already had a 11 month old son, is pregnant, girls like this make my blood boil
Why can they go out and sleep with anyb0dy and get pregnant at the drop of a hat and, I have been in a relationship for 12 years, married for 8 years and have been ttc for half of that time and we only have 1 child??
People reading this might think I am selfish for wanting another baby so badly, when we have Daniel, but if anything the want for another is worse this time round than it was when we were ttc Daniel, its a different type of wanting, I want another for Daniel more than anything, I don't want him to grow up as an only child, I want to be able to watch my children play together and witness a love no one else will understand
Tuesday, 18 January 2011
Monday, 17 January 2011
the innocence of a child
The best words any woman can hear is "i love you mummy" never fails to bring a tear to my eye
I am loving this stage of having a child, hes learning something new everyday, but it makes me so sad how fast he has grown, i yern to hold and cuddle a new baby, not just any baby but my own baby, i want to feel the little flutter of 1st movements and the skin stretching movement of the later movements :(
I am loving this stage of having a child, hes learning something new everyday, but it makes me so sad how fast he has grown, i yern to hold and cuddle a new baby, not just any baby but my own baby, i want to feel the little flutter of 1st movements and the skin stretching movement of the later movements :(
Sunday, 16 January 2011
A little about us
My name is Emma, I am 27, married to Paul, also 27, very proud parents to Daniel.
Daniel took us 6.5 years to conceive and we have been TTC #2 for 18 long months.
Our story of TTC Daniel
I met DH in 2000, we got engaged after 3 months, and had a long engagement.
We decided in 2002 to stop any contraception and "If it happened, it happened."
We got married in 2003, we decided to actively TTC, but in the year we had stopped the contraception I had only had 3 periods. I left it a few weeks to settle into married life then took myself to the DRs. I was told it was just the BCP coming out of my system. I thought OK I can deal with that and we were due to go on honey moon any way so I left it another couple of months and still only had 1 period. So off to the Drs I went again.
Again I was told that it was just the BCP coming out of my system, I had stopped taking it 18 months earlier, I came away from the Dr's unhappy with them, but decided to go with the flow for a couple of months.
In 2004 and after 3 more visits to the Dr's and being told the same things I went to see another DR and was referred to a fertility nurse, who after lots of tests and scans diagnosed PCOS and irregular cycles.
I waited 3 months to see the specialist who prescribed Clomid, but had to take povera due to irregular cycles.
However we had already booked a holiday so I held off taking them as we didn't to risk flying when pregnant. When we came back I gave myself a couple of weeks to get back into the swing of things, I was told to take a pregnancy test before taking the Clomid as it can cause birth defects if taken when pregnant. To my amazement the test was positive, after TTC for 4 years I WAS GOING TO HAVE A BABY. Unfortunately a week after getting a BFP I started bleeding and our angel went to heaven.
FIRST CYCLE
AF showed up 12 days after 1st povera pill. I took Clomid, 50mg, CD 2 ~ 6. I had to go for a scan every other day, and after 28 days the nurse began to see the follicles growing. I was told to go home and BD as much as we could in the next 24 hours. We BD'ed 6 times. Went back after 48 hours for another scan, the follicles had gone and I was so excited. I was sent for a blood test to see what my progesterone levels were. I went back for my results and were told the were too low and I hadn't even ovulated. I was to wait for AF and start another round of clomid.
SECOND ROUND
AF showed up 5 days late and started a higher dose of clomid 150mg. Again I had to go for scans every other day. After 26 days they saw the follicles and was again sent away to BD. Went back for my blood tests and my levels were higher this time and I had ovulated this month.
THIRD CYCLE
AF was late again this cycle. I started the whole cycle again and was going back for scans, this time after I ovulated and went back for my scan, the follicles were still there, I was told not to take any clomid the next cycles as it can cause the follicles to grow too big and it can cause it to "strangle" my tube. I had to wait for AF to start another cycle.
FOURTH, FIFTH AND SIXTH CYCLE
I had to back and ask for some povera to kick start my AF again. This cycle I didn't have to go for all the scans as they knew everything was working. So I took the clomid but unfortunately this cycle didn't work either, neither did the fifth or sixth.
I went back to the fertility specialist and was told that there was nothing else they could do and I needed to wait for IVF. However there is a 4 year waiting list in the UK, unless we pay and we can't afford, our IVF is scheduled for 2011.
I had 1 cycle of comid left and pinned all my hopes on this cycle working, and was heart broken when AF showed.
So we are here still TTC naturally, I was told if I stopped smoking and lost some weight I MIGHT conceive naturally. I stopped smoking and have lost 10% of my weight, and within 3 months we were pregnant.
October 2ND 2008 at 1:02am my baby was born weighing 8lb, it felt so surreal.
On to TTC #2
we decided to start NT NP when Daniel was 10 months old (end of July 09) we were in no rush but as it had taken us so long to conceive Daniel we thought we better get to it, however Paul had a stroke in august and was in hospital for 6 weeks and so we obviously had to put TTC on hold.
we started again as soon as he got home and here we are still trying, i have been back to the Dr's and have been told that they will not do anything for us as we conceived Daniel naturally and they know what caused my infertility so there is no more testing they can do :(
This cycle I have used a CBFM, and I am waiting for AF or BFP
Daniel took us 6.5 years to conceive and we have been TTC #2 for 18 long months.
Our story of TTC Daniel
I met DH in 2000, we got engaged after 3 months, and had a long engagement.
We decided in 2002 to stop any contraception and "If it happened, it happened."
We got married in 2003, we decided to actively TTC, but in the year we had stopped the contraception I had only had 3 periods. I left it a few weeks to settle into married life then took myself to the DRs. I was told it was just the BCP coming out of my system. I thought OK I can deal with that and we were due to go on honey moon any way so I left it another couple of months and still only had 1 period. So off to the Drs I went again.
Again I was told that it was just the BCP coming out of my system, I had stopped taking it 18 months earlier, I came away from the Dr's unhappy with them, but decided to go with the flow for a couple of months.
In 2004 and after 3 more visits to the Dr's and being told the same things I went to see another DR and was referred to a fertility nurse, who after lots of tests and scans diagnosed PCOS and irregular cycles.
I waited 3 months to see the specialist who prescribed Clomid, but had to take povera due to irregular cycles.
However we had already booked a holiday so I held off taking them as we didn't to risk flying when pregnant. When we came back I gave myself a couple of weeks to get back into the swing of things, I was told to take a pregnancy test before taking the Clomid as it can cause birth defects if taken when pregnant. To my amazement the test was positive, after TTC for 4 years I WAS GOING TO HAVE A BABY. Unfortunately a week after getting a BFP I started bleeding and our angel went to heaven.
FIRST CYCLE
AF showed up 12 days after 1st povera pill. I took Clomid, 50mg, CD 2 ~ 6. I had to go for a scan every other day, and after 28 days the nurse began to see the follicles growing. I was told to go home and BD as much as we could in the next 24 hours. We BD'ed 6 times. Went back after 48 hours for another scan, the follicles had gone and I was so excited. I was sent for a blood test to see what my progesterone levels were. I went back for my results and were told the were too low and I hadn't even ovulated. I was to wait for AF and start another round of clomid.
SECOND ROUND
AF showed up 5 days late and started a higher dose of clomid 150mg. Again I had to go for scans every other day. After 26 days they saw the follicles and was again sent away to BD. Went back for my blood tests and my levels were higher this time and I had ovulated this month.
THIRD CYCLE
AF was late again this cycle. I started the whole cycle again and was going back for scans, this time after I ovulated and went back for my scan, the follicles were still there, I was told not to take any clomid the next cycles as it can cause the follicles to grow too big and it can cause it to "strangle" my tube. I had to wait for AF to start another cycle.
FOURTH, FIFTH AND SIXTH CYCLE
I had to back and ask for some povera to kick start my AF again. This cycle I didn't have to go for all the scans as they knew everything was working. So I took the clomid but unfortunately this cycle didn't work either, neither did the fifth or sixth.
I went back to the fertility specialist and was told that there was nothing else they could do and I needed to wait for IVF. However there is a 4 year waiting list in the UK, unless we pay and we can't afford, our IVF is scheduled for 2011.
I had 1 cycle of comid left and pinned all my hopes on this cycle working, and was heart broken when AF showed.
So we are here still TTC naturally, I was told if I stopped smoking and lost some weight I MIGHT conceive naturally. I stopped smoking and have lost 10% of my weight, and within 3 months we were pregnant.
October 2ND 2008 at 1:02am my baby was born weighing 8lb, it felt so surreal.
On to TTC #2
we decided to start NT NP when Daniel was 10 months old (end of July 09) we were in no rush but as it had taken us so long to conceive Daniel we thought we better get to it, however Paul had a stroke in august and was in hospital for 6 weeks and so we obviously had to put TTC on hold.
we started again as soon as he got home and here we are still trying, i have been back to the Dr's and have been told that they will not do anything for us as we conceived Daniel naturally and they know what caused my infertility so there is no more testing they can do :(
This cycle I have used a CBFM, and I am waiting for AF or BFP
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